is it back?

So i haven't been blogging a while. Kind of didnt feel like doing so, don't know why. :p

I have to admit that college life is and isn't all that its wrapped up to be. I have kind of somewhat developed a love hate relationship with it i suppose. I love college because of the abundant amount of freedom i have. Well fine, not abundant but it sure as hell is more than what i had in high school (obviously).

It's also nice because if i were to skip classes, who would know? The lecturers don't really care much, you can go anywhere you want, and if you skip classes and decide to drive to PD or something during class times, your parents won't know. Restriction is a definite scarcity when compared to high school.

But why I hate...hang on, hate is too strong a word. Why i'm not fully excited and happy and totally in love with it is because I find that "me" time is also a scarcity. See, back in high school, i can actually just stay in the toilet for ten minutes during class or even walk out to the balcony/window place and sit there and stare off into space and no one was going to come in and disturb me and bombard me with questions on whether im okay or not and so on. But in college however, I can't seem to get away. Have some alone time. Not that i don't like being with my friends and all but sometimes you just have to have that you know? I suppose i wouldn't be minding it as much if i get to have "alone" time at home but that i don't have either. Oh well.....

So apart from that. College admittedly has been a blast and also extremely money sucking.
Jarrod and Rawlins, Fig Tree, Starbucks. Those are the expensive places of course... sigh. Unfortunately the mamaks are at the main block.

ANYWAY, its all good i suppose. This however is based on just one month experience of COLLEGE.

did i mention i got into an accident? ;p

It's my birthday.... so why am i not feeling particularly celebratory.... it feels as though i'm going through a quarter life crisis which does not allow me to enjoy this particular day.

why should we celebrate the supposed day we were born anyway? we were born and thats that. 

Each year that passes is as though telling you that another year went by without you doing anything that "memanfaatkan" your life. seriously.

its just another day... if it's like that to everyone else why should it be different to you..

just another day 

WHAT THE HELL IS IT HUH?!

what is it that bothers me most?

is it spm?

is it the amount coffee i've been consuming?

WHAT!??

FUCK ALL THIS FUCKING ANXIETY

screw all the tears
just screw it....

i've had enough..please just let me go

i've had enough i've had enough i've had enough i've had enough i've had enough i've had enough........
please

Run.
all i want to do is run.
run while i still can.
run from everything that has happened
run from the memories
run from my sins
run from the pain, pain that i feel and the pain that i've caused.
run from my thoughts
run from my feelings
run to the place where i can be blisfully ignorant.

run.
help me run.
help me runaway.

back

I realise that i only blog well when i'm not feeling happy or content or anything of the sort.

Sick Repetitive Cycle of my Sick love life.

Freaking karma is getting on my nerves. How do you break a cycle?

A cycle which inlcudes love,feelings,pain,karma.
how? please someone tell me how!?

I need to stop this before it pushes me over the edge. I need to stop this before i succumb to doing something stupid.

we all hate to break hearts and have our hearts broken.
But just imagine what its like to know WHO's heart you are going to break and who is going to break your heart.

isn't it just sick? Terrible! Revolting.

help.

i don't want to hurt you.
but i'm afraid i will.
i don't want to lose you as a confidant..
but i'm afraid i will.

i've already lost one confidant.
and that shattered me.
i dont think i can go through that again..

but it seems inevitable now.

hugs.

I guess what Vishal recently said was right [yet again]. I probably just need a good hug... it doesnt have to be from him.... just from someone i'm comfortable with. [which is pretty much a lot of people] But someone who'll make me feel safe. Like my friends. Thanks Vishal. Thanks Mirah.

Nicole come back... i desperately need one from you...

But sometimes if someone, anyone, were to hug you [albeit you know the person lah] would be nice too.....

sometimes all you need is a good hug.

and thats what i need as of this very moment.

sigh a million sighs

As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words. But when you think about it... a thousand words isn't really that much. This picture cannot describe the pain that i feel in my heart daily. This picture does not show how everyday, every minute...second... feels like a stab in the heart. How can you mend a broken heart? oh what a song. Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again. How?

....our love was comfortable...

i suppose you're confused. probably more so than i am. but why does it have to be this way. are we liking people just for the sake of liking. are we really being true to our feelings.....? or is there more...? is this just wishful thinking?

i need to find clarity. i need proper answers. i want it to stop. i want this to end...but at the same time............

confusion strikes me hard. the more i think about you the more i doubt i can hold on. i feel like i'll fall to the depths of darkness and passion with you consuming and permeating my mind constantly. but do i really want that to happen?

C-O-N-F-U-S-E-D.

___________________________________________________________________

thanks amie. =) i didnt know people still read this blog. heh.

why did i let it happen?

i think i'm in love with you. but it can't be. you and i are just a dream. a painful but sinful dream. you and i will never make history together but i want it so. me loving you is unhealthy for me. but it doesnt matter now does it? it was just a dream.

i'm not going to be there for you anymore. when you call on me. no answer shall i return to you. when you ask for me. i'm giving up. i'm walking out. no more. enough. done.

at least i hope i am. please give me the strength i need to not fall in to sin and into the depths of darkness for i yearn for the light and have had enough of darkness.

peace............solitude.

and something inside me dies.

last night i started crying again. i cannot take this anymore. crying till the wee hours of the morning just isnt healthy... and my head hurts....so while this feeling went on i.... wroteanotherpoem.

which by the way is untitled

as i hold my head up high
i try to suppress my sigh
in light i feel embarassed
comfort i find, in darkness

tears threaten to spill
tempting it is to take a pill
obviously it's not an option
but curse the temptation

i need to find clarity
but i'm just getting by, barely...
only when i change my attitude
will i find peace and solitude

the right decisions, i need to make
before i drown deeper and deeper, into the lake.

this needs to end.. somehow.

we were merely freshman

the world is changing. everybody is changing. everybody is actually...... no words can describe it.

surprising actually... i mean what the world has become. it's really surprising. you wouldn't expect it to be this way but it is. Everything takes you by surprise... gosh don't you just hate that? well i dont... not really

shocked. yes.. thats what i am. shocked..... and scared to i guess. afraid if i would be sucked in to the darkness of the world. i don't know if you notice but there is so much sin everywhere!

and i'm getting really afraid because i have sinned too.... but the sin that some of the people i know have commit is scaring me.... it's not that i'm not "opened minded" heck. i'm very open minded. but now i've come to realise that it isn't a good thing. i mean the things that i am fairly comfortable with.... it isnt good. i should be stopping it. or at least try to control it from turning into a conspiracy or an epidemic.................... anyway

the rant ends here since....well just since.

ta.

i for some odd reason was letting my brain and emotions fly around again... i let it take control again today. so during break i decided to right yet another poem. and of course creep was... and is still stuck in my head the whole day. how wonderful. have half a mind to put the lyrics up in my locker [not that i look at my locker that much] but anyway...

cuts.

and the world keeps spinning
and the soil turns to dust
everything is fading
and move on we must

life is unexpected
always ready to surprise
many feel dejected
sadness, the ultimate prize

beauty in the world
turning ugly and sorrowful
happiness in a little girl
is the only thing left wonderful.

thats it. for now. when i wrote the title in my book people thought it said cats :p
toodles.

the anthem of its time.

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eyes
You're just like an angel,
your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fuckin' special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

She's running out the door ...
She's running out
she's run, run, run, run...
run...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong hereI don't belong here...

salute.

gone, done? not quite.

i suppose i may still be sad. i suppose i may still be... depressed. but what can i do? what can i say? last night caught me off guard because i sudddenly caught myself thinking about keith again and how we were..

vishal and i were on the phone just talking about how his date went and other random things. and it was those random things that broke me.
it isn't nice to have your heart broken
it isn't nice when you think something is finally going right
that all your unlucky streak is finally taking a turn
that a curse has finally been broken..

it just comes crashing again. but this isn't about keith. of course it isn't.

and the holidays are over.

no.

i need help. it's starting up again... it shouldn't you know. it really shouldnt.

all things in my heart and mind
all things good and bad
all things right and wrong
have now spiraled out of control

nothing seems to make sense
everything's a blur
i need help
and i'm crying out for help

but no one notices
i no longer know
how long i can take this
before it consumes me
and i disappear

into the oblivion...

poems. i'm writing poems again!

dead inside.

so once again i go back to the old ways of the najwa. writing poems. putting down all my emotions on paper... everything i feel... and what i seem to be feeling lately is just pain. hurt. frustration. anger. sadness. for all i know i could be spiraling down the road to depression... but then again maybe not... those green pills sure seem tempting... and what more the cancer stick. oh how ive been wanting one... just one whole stick.... it should suffice shouldnt it? i wouldnt get addicted.. i cant! i'll be a hypocrite..... but no.. i havent taken any... not even one.

i can't quite seem to understand or figure out exactly what it is im going through. exactly what it is that is wrong with me. i. do. not. know.

no clue. i dont think i'll ever know... it could be nothing but then again it could be everything all summed up into one big ball of tangled emotions all on full blast. my brain cant take it anymore..my heart... my body... my mind.... enough is enough!

but it wouldn't stop... day by day i feel weaker and weaker..... i can no longer hide what is inside me... i can no longer hide what i feel... my emotions are showing but i dont want them to... my facade is melting.... it shouldnt! it cant!

i musn't allow it but what can i do? how can i prevent it? i seem to want to be nothing more than a couch potato... everything is in black white and grey... technicolour is something i no longer see... something i no longer appreciate.

beautiful sunsets no longer enthralls me... beauty.... beauty... gone.

mom?

i feel kind of mean because i dont have anything for my mom on mothers day. but dont you think its a bit sad though that only once a year we do this? shouldnt we be appreciative of both our parents at all times.... they're the ones who gives us education, nurse us when we're sick, believe in us and in what we do [most of the time] and the ones who feeds us.. keeps us alive... or heck.. we won't be hear if it wasnt for both of them.

so what is mother's and father's day? the same thing like valentines day.... just another day for florists and chocolate shops and restaurants to make a lil extra cash. honestly... if you were a mother or a father would you rather go out for dinner and receive bought flowers from florists... or a home made card filled with love... baked cookies by your children... a home made photoframe with a message tucked at the back of the picture?

but i guess mothers/fathers day is for those people who work day and night to run their own family [think 30's and 40 year old people] and its time for them to be appreciated and appreciate their parents. But then again.. that doesnt quite happen does it? No offence but i dont see my oldest brother here... i didnt hear the phone ring.... does he remember? or is he planning something with his kids and wife........................

hmm.. i dont know where this is going but im just literally typing what im thinking.

We dont appreciate them when they are here.. when we know that they are there for us. ever ready to clear up our messes... straighten our lives out..and point us in the right direction... guide us so that we succeed........ they do all the work and what do they actually get in return? sometimes we just raise our voice at them because we feel "pressured" and as though we have no "privacy"... of course i have been a victim of this before.. i'd be straight out lying if i were to say ive never felt any of this or said or done any of it............ but still...

anyway.

happy mothers day mom.... you know i love you and always will and you can come stay with me when im grown out and out of the house =P

say what? rant.

yea. paramount championship. to discover new talents? HAH yea right. i'm glad that 4m got in for the band after all. we know that foobitch has turned to foobiasbitch. d

i feel kinda sad that i didnt do the poetry recital thing since i would have loved to. but due to the kdu debate i never had time to actually know what's going on in school so yea. and now that the kdu debate is over, i found out that im in the debate for this stupid paramount championship.

having this championship thing made me realise [and probably afew other people too] that i don't have a particular talent that i excel at.. that makes people go 0_0 . i envy those who can sing beautifully and those who can dance gracefully without even trying, those who can speak and bersyarahan those who can play a particular instrument as though it was apart of them... as though they were born with it, those who can write and captivate people.....

oh well. :) congratulations to those of you who got through to the semis and/or finals

dum diddly do.

people who organised this are so daft. it clashes with the mssd competition. and on the 15 is the school open day which is rather a big thing since its the time for those people to promote the school. and after that on the 17th is the paramount finals and shit... and about 2 weeks later is the mid year exams. HELOO stupid much?

you know. the teacher are always comparing us to the government school. well if you wan tus to be so much like the government school than let us or the prefects organise the events because you know what? in government schools the teachers dont even know whats going on half of the time! and in case you teachers and/or staffs haven't noticed we are a private school so stop bloody comparing us to government schools because you arent giving us the chance to be like them. ARGH! government schools have more organised events becaue it is run and done by the students. of course they would go all out for it. gosh.

DAFT DAFT DAFT! STUPID IMBECILIC NONSENSICAL MENTALLY INCOMPETENT..... sigh,.

toodles. i kind of feel mean but. sigh.....

debate. a void.

righty-o. debate is over and it feels odd. we had so much fun. Ms L and ms Hoo going crazy.. and us just randomly cursing and the sex jokes.... dayng. and of couse the CONTENTIOONN!! yea... 5 days of wrecking my brain and thinking of wtf to talk and a nervous wreck....

berlin liew, matthew pang, mok karl shern..... bloody hell what an experience yo.

i'll get the pics from berlin ASAP. sigh. ciao

the meanie within.

I recently found out that i have been cursing quite a bit.. more than my usual anyway which is rather odd since there is nothing major provoking me to do so. So why am i cursing again?


oh yes. SCHOOL.

what a horrid word... It has definitely consumed my life. I don't do anything that has nothing to do with school anymore. school work yea right i dont do it. school events. interschool competitions.
why do i do this to myself? oh yes yes testimonial. not.

And here it is once again... me contradicting myself. One day i really am going to go over board and shall be legally declared insane. are you sure you're not already declared so? OK. talking to oneself is not normal. when have i ever been normal?

EEP. stop. love my vain moments.

so anway today during break i was having typical break time chats with mirah, jackson and su may, suet sim and tiffany and....

najwa: our class has weird people
suet sim: really? how am i weird?
*tiffany comments something on that*
su may: najwa how are you weird?
najwa: actually i'm normal. By implying that my class is weird means that i am normal. so if i were to say that i am normal makes them weird.
jackson&mirah: say what?
najwa: you see. if i were to say that i think that everyone is weird makes me normal which means that i am the weird one for saying that everyone is weird.
su may: hey that actually makes sense.
amirah: uhh.. okay.

i enjoy random conversations. Don't you?

i don't think i have much to update on since my life is relatively dull. i only have school activities going on such as

• inter-school debate
• paramount competition ie [skit, salsa, debate, probably poetry recital]
• getting into cheer? pfft.

oh. havent included school work have i?

• homework
• projects
• essays [bm]
• stupid peka shit for physics.

But i must say that having that whack so called ssp reunion was not bad really... although the outcomes are "hillarious".

toodles.
m-curlee