panic stricken

oh damn. SEA FORENSICS is on thursday a.k.a tomorrow! or well i'm not counting today because its already 930 pm and how much can i do in 3 and a half hours.

SO why am i panicking? well let's see shall we?

• I still donn't have a mofoing script for solo acting.
• and as for impromptu i guess i'm doing okay but unfortunately i'm not consistent.
• I can't constantly reach 3 minutes. [what the fuck can you say about gates?!]

Oh man. scared scared. and i feel so mean. i was so bitchy to my parents in the car and all the way untill about 20 minutes ago. I know they want to help but I didnt get enough sleep nor am i in a good mood because i'm under alot of STRESS. AND I'M SCARED SHITLESS.

so anyway. I really have to apologise to my parents. *sigh* If only they knew.

URGH.

currently listening to - i won't dance by michael buble and jane monheit.

What is it?

Ever wonder what puppy love or infatuation really is? And love... How I actually despise this topic but am totally intrigued by it at the same time. There is so much I want.. no.. need to know about it.

I need to know if what I'm feeling is a

• developing crush
• potential crush
• nothing at all and can be totally ignored
• a "spur of the moment" thing
• something that can actually lead to love

and more! oh gosh.

I don't like being in this position because I now have to start contemplating and contradicting with myself... which trust me, is not good .

ANYWAY

enough of that. As of now I find that life is absolutely....appalling? I don't know. Can't find the right word for it but i suppose anything negative will do. Except for the fact that im showing signs of improvement for impromptu so thats positive.

oh well. I'm rambling on nonsensically.

toodles.

listening to - true colours by jill scott.

mental.

I don't really know how to describe my Valentine's Day. It was okay I guess. Thanks Berlin for the pretty flower and Arif for the rose and chocolate and Darryl for the teddy.

Honestly thanks guys. But I felt as though something was missing... I dont know what it is though but something was missing big time... and as the day progressed on it just didn't seem right. But hey I'm sure alot of girls had a nice day yesterday and were very happy.

Once again i shall go back to my previous post because I felt that way again after school. It's weird though, because you know that feeling that you get in your chest when you're really really really scared? yea. I got that. For no apparent reason now. call me CRAZY will you? Because I think i really am losing my mind.

oh gosh.

Emotions taking me over.

Pun unintended.

I went through various stages of emotions today. When I woke up I was just groggy but later on i got a tad frustrated because we waited for vishal. After that I felt nervous while listening to al the points for impromptu and what not. Later on, I just felt content.

When i went to ou i just felt happy that i could shop again. When I got home I went back into my usual trance of lazing on the couch. And all of a sudden later through the night at about 10-ish i started to feel uneasy. Me being me didnt really think much about it. Then i started thinking about what i did today and realised that i spent shitloads of money on... on just things that i regret [not really regret but...] Somehow it just isn't right...

At about an hour ago i decided that i should just sleep this insecurity off. But realised that my left eye felt stingy. So i went to get some optrex in my parents room. As I was doing so again the uneasy feeling was felt. Afew minutes after I was done.. thought i would finally turn in... but instead as soon as my head touched the pillow... I felt overwhelmed and before I knew it tears were streaming down my face.

Something is deeply bothering me but i have no idea what. I feel so worried. Something has gone horrifically wrong and i can feel it. It's affecting me in such a way that i can't control anything. And right now i don't know how i'm going to get through the night.

It's nearing 2 am now, and i know that i really need my sleep. But i just dont know what to do.

It. Is. So. Wrong. You may be asking 'what is' and all I can say is I have no idea.

feeling old. music?

Sometimes I find myself feeling old? Don't any of you get sick of people telling you how much more mature you are/look for your age? I know I do. And goodness knows i don't listen to much mainstream anymore. Although I do know what is new and stuff but somehow they don't quite appeal to me. Like songs on hitz.fm. I used to listen to it every single time when i got into the car and when I got my radio, it was the only station that was programmed.

But now, what is in mainstream is something i don't quite enjoy. And I'm listening to stuff like buble, ari hest, damien rice and alot of songs that aren't mainstream or were once. When i say were once meaning metallica, incubus, santana [although they still play his latest songs which I am very much thankful for] guns & roses and more of course.

See what i mean by feeling old? These peoples started performing 10-20 years ago... I listen to light and easy now. They play really nice songs.... and miss songs like "my happiness, don't look back in anger, bittersweet symphony" i dont know what you categorise that under but yea... those type of music I surely do miss.

Nowadays it makes me wonder. What in the world happened to good music? Music with lyrics that have meaning. Music with actual rhythm feeling and emotion. Music which you can enjoy and chill with.

But of course this is just my take on it. I know many people who can actually chill to rap and hip hop and whatever thats on mainstream and sung by lima puluh sen. [I swear he should never show his face. and NEVER EVER ACT!]

Anyway like i said. This is all me. No matter how many times vishal explains to me how he likes most of those songs i shall never understand. But I do like some of it though... those with more... rhythm? I'm not sure. But some of them just sound plain with the same background rhythm repeating itself again and again.

I guess it all comes down to how you listen to it. Vishal listens to music by listening to the lyrics first... whereas i listen more to the.... whatever-isn't-the-lyrics first and how that song makes me feel...

panic stricken.

I do things that I'm not supposed to and I don't do things that I'm supposed to. This is really scaring me. How've been acting lately and the things that I'm doing or aren't.... I have to stop but somehow somethings you just succumb to and you know so badly that it's so extremely wrong but you can't help it....

I need to get away.... Things aren't right... the real world is too scary.... the things that people do...... the things that I do. It just isn't right. It's not supposed to be this way. This cannot be happening.

I repent.
I repent.
I repent.

My world is spinning... everything is getting way too out of hand. I can't seem to control anything anymore... My actions, My thoughts, My mind....my emotions.

everything is going awry and it's scaring me. I'm deathly afraid of what is happening to me and what is going to happen to me. And somehow i don't think there is anything out there that can help me.

Advice would never work. Scoldings would just bounce off the facade that i have on. I'm too thick skinned for my own good. I want to change so badly... so so badly. I have no idea what is holding me back...

I have literally been split in two.

Today at school, mirah, matt, melia, vishal, tzern and i got engaged in a somewhat political conversation.

We started talking about bush and nuking middle-eastern countries.

Like i said earlier and i still stand by what i said, nuking countries to rid poverty is something i'm not against. but nuking a country just for the sake of nuking a country is unimaginable. Bush being the leader of America is just plain bullshit. i'm sorry it is.

anyway on a lighter note

i am still contemplating on whether to attend school tomorrow or not. It seems quite pointless to drag myself out of bed at an unreasonable hour and freeze myself in the shower just to arrive at school and do nothing much and wait the whole day till forensics/cheer/paramount deco and goodness i hate the fact that all three of those things are at the same time.

Sometimes 5 working/schooling days a week just doesn't seem enough. I suppose it's because we have 8 freaking hours of school which we spend doing nothing but listen to teachers drone on and on about their particular subject while we doodle and day-dream away and wait for when they actually give us work to do.

Anyway, some things seem to be quite odd nowadays. Everything is changing and I think i'm actually getting comfortable with it.

anyway to bath and rest my aching muscles i shall go. toodles.

[extra] if any of you know anybody in your class or form who are in the yellow house cheer team please inform them that if they continue to miss practices and not inquire about practices with quincee they would immediately be KICKED OUT.

righty-o. toodles.

noob

hello and yes i have decided to be a blogspot-er. =P actually i've had this account for quite a while but never really used it since alot of people used xanga then so now since alot of people are using this i've decided to actually activate it so that it's easier for me to read you blogspot-ers blogs [heh]

but of course i shall blog here if i feel that xanga has somewhat become too... how shall i put it... known? i guess?

anyway. good day to whoever reads this. toodles.