i suppose you're confused. probably more so than i am. but why does it have to be this way. are we liking people just for the sake of liking. are we really being true to our feelings.....? or is there more...? is this just wishful thinking?

i need to find clarity. i need proper answers. i want it to stop. i want this to end...but at the same time............

confusion strikes me hard. the more i think about you the more i doubt i can hold on. i feel like i'll fall to the depths of darkness and passion with you consuming and permeating my mind constantly. but do i really want that to happen?

C-O-N-F-U-S-E-D.

___________________________________________________________________

thanks amie. =) i didnt know people still read this blog. heh.

why did i let it happen?

i think i'm in love with you. but it can't be. you and i are just a dream. a painful but sinful dream. you and i will never make history together but i want it so. me loving you is unhealthy for me. but it doesnt matter now does it? it was just a dream.

i'm not going to be there for you anymore. when you call on me. no answer shall i return to you. when you ask for me. i'm giving up. i'm walking out. no more. enough. done.

at least i hope i am. please give me the strength i need to not fall in to sin and into the depths of darkness for i yearn for the light and have had enough of darkness.

peace............solitude.

and something inside me dies.

last night i started crying again. i cannot take this anymore. crying till the wee hours of the morning just isnt healthy... and my head hurts....so while this feeling went on i.... wroteanotherpoem.

which by the way is untitled

as i hold my head up high
i try to suppress my sigh
in light i feel embarassed
comfort i find, in darkness

tears threaten to spill
tempting it is to take a pill
obviously it's not an option
but curse the temptation

i need to find clarity
but i'm just getting by, barely...
only when i change my attitude
will i find peace and solitude

the right decisions, i need to make
before i drown deeper and deeper, into the lake.

this needs to end.. somehow.

we were merely freshman

the world is changing. everybody is changing. everybody is actually...... no words can describe it.

surprising actually... i mean what the world has become. it's really surprising. you wouldn't expect it to be this way but it is. Everything takes you by surprise... gosh don't you just hate that? well i dont... not really

shocked. yes.. thats what i am. shocked..... and scared to i guess. afraid if i would be sucked in to the darkness of the world. i don't know if you notice but there is so much sin everywhere!

and i'm getting really afraid because i have sinned too.... but the sin that some of the people i know have commit is scaring me.... it's not that i'm not "opened minded" heck. i'm very open minded. but now i've come to realise that it isn't a good thing. i mean the things that i am fairly comfortable with.... it isnt good. i should be stopping it. or at least try to control it from turning into a conspiracy or an epidemic.................... anyway

the rant ends here since....well just since.

ta.

i for some odd reason was letting my brain and emotions fly around again... i let it take control again today. so during break i decided to right yet another poem. and of course creep was... and is still stuck in my head the whole day. how wonderful. have half a mind to put the lyrics up in my locker [not that i look at my locker that much] but anyway...

cuts.

and the world keeps spinning
and the soil turns to dust
everything is fading
and move on we must

life is unexpected
always ready to surprise
many feel dejected
sadness, the ultimate prize

beauty in the world
turning ugly and sorrowful
happiness in a little girl
is the only thing left wonderful.

thats it. for now. when i wrote the title in my book people thought it said cats :p
toodles.

the anthem of its time.

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eyes
You're just like an angel,
your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fuckin' special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

She's running out the door ...
She's running out
she's run, run, run, run...
run...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong hereI don't belong here...

salute.

gone, done? not quite.

i suppose i may still be sad. i suppose i may still be... depressed. but what can i do? what can i say? last night caught me off guard because i sudddenly caught myself thinking about keith again and how we were..

vishal and i were on the phone just talking about how his date went and other random things. and it was those random things that broke me.
it isn't nice to have your heart broken
it isn't nice when you think something is finally going right
that all your unlucky streak is finally taking a turn
that a curse has finally been broken..

it just comes crashing again. but this isn't about keith. of course it isn't.

and the holidays are over.

no.

i need help. it's starting up again... it shouldn't you know. it really shouldnt.

all things in my heart and mind
all things good and bad
all things right and wrong
have now spiraled out of control

nothing seems to make sense
everything's a blur
i need help
and i'm crying out for help

but no one notices
i no longer know
how long i can take this
before it consumes me
and i disappear

into the oblivion...

poems. i'm writing poems again!

dead inside.

so once again i go back to the old ways of the najwa. writing poems. putting down all my emotions on paper... everything i feel... and what i seem to be feeling lately is just pain. hurt. frustration. anger. sadness. for all i know i could be spiraling down the road to depression... but then again maybe not... those green pills sure seem tempting... and what more the cancer stick. oh how ive been wanting one... just one whole stick.... it should suffice shouldnt it? i wouldnt get addicted.. i cant! i'll be a hypocrite..... but no.. i havent taken any... not even one.

i can't quite seem to understand or figure out exactly what it is im going through. exactly what it is that is wrong with me. i. do. not. know.

no clue. i dont think i'll ever know... it could be nothing but then again it could be everything all summed up into one big ball of tangled emotions all on full blast. my brain cant take it anymore..my heart... my body... my mind.... enough is enough!

but it wouldn't stop... day by day i feel weaker and weaker..... i can no longer hide what is inside me... i can no longer hide what i feel... my emotions are showing but i dont want them to... my facade is melting.... it shouldnt! it cant!

i musn't allow it but what can i do? how can i prevent it? i seem to want to be nothing more than a couch potato... everything is in black white and grey... technicolour is something i no longer see... something i no longer appreciate.

beautiful sunsets no longer enthralls me... beauty.... beauty... gone.

mom?

i feel kind of mean because i dont have anything for my mom on mothers day. but dont you think its a bit sad though that only once a year we do this? shouldnt we be appreciative of both our parents at all times.... they're the ones who gives us education, nurse us when we're sick, believe in us and in what we do [most of the time] and the ones who feeds us.. keeps us alive... or heck.. we won't be hear if it wasnt for both of them.

so what is mother's and father's day? the same thing like valentines day.... just another day for florists and chocolate shops and restaurants to make a lil extra cash. honestly... if you were a mother or a father would you rather go out for dinner and receive bought flowers from florists... or a home made card filled with love... baked cookies by your children... a home made photoframe with a message tucked at the back of the picture?

but i guess mothers/fathers day is for those people who work day and night to run their own family [think 30's and 40 year old people] and its time for them to be appreciated and appreciate their parents. But then again.. that doesnt quite happen does it? No offence but i dont see my oldest brother here... i didnt hear the phone ring.... does he remember? or is he planning something with his kids and wife........................

hmm.. i dont know where this is going but im just literally typing what im thinking.

We dont appreciate them when they are here.. when we know that they are there for us. ever ready to clear up our messes... straighten our lives out..and point us in the right direction... guide us so that we succeed........ they do all the work and what do they actually get in return? sometimes we just raise our voice at them because we feel "pressured" and as though we have no "privacy"... of course i have been a victim of this before.. i'd be straight out lying if i were to say ive never felt any of this or said or done any of it............ but still...

anyway.

happy mothers day mom.... you know i love you and always will and you can come stay with me when im grown out and out of the house =P

say what? rant.

yea. paramount championship. to discover new talents? HAH yea right. i'm glad that 4m got in for the band after all. we know that foobitch has turned to foobiasbitch. d

i feel kinda sad that i didnt do the poetry recital thing since i would have loved to. but due to the kdu debate i never had time to actually know what's going on in school so yea. and now that the kdu debate is over, i found out that im in the debate for this stupid paramount championship.

having this championship thing made me realise [and probably afew other people too] that i don't have a particular talent that i excel at.. that makes people go 0_0 . i envy those who can sing beautifully and those who can dance gracefully without even trying, those who can speak and bersyarahan those who can play a particular instrument as though it was apart of them... as though they were born with it, those who can write and captivate people.....

oh well. :) congratulations to those of you who got through to the semis and/or finals

dum diddly do.

people who organised this are so daft. it clashes with the mssd competition. and on the 15 is the school open day which is rather a big thing since its the time for those people to promote the school. and after that on the 17th is the paramount finals and shit... and about 2 weeks later is the mid year exams. HELOO stupid much?

you know. the teacher are always comparing us to the government school. well if you wan tus to be so much like the government school than let us or the prefects organise the events because you know what? in government schools the teachers dont even know whats going on half of the time! and in case you teachers and/or staffs haven't noticed we are a private school so stop bloody comparing us to government schools because you arent giving us the chance to be like them. ARGH! government schools have more organised events becaue it is run and done by the students. of course they would go all out for it. gosh.

DAFT DAFT DAFT! STUPID IMBECILIC NONSENSICAL MENTALLY INCOMPETENT..... sigh,.

toodles. i kind of feel mean but. sigh.....

debate. a void.

righty-o. debate is over and it feels odd. we had so much fun. Ms L and ms Hoo going crazy.. and us just randomly cursing and the sex jokes.... dayng. and of couse the CONTENTIOONN!! yea... 5 days of wrecking my brain and thinking of wtf to talk and a nervous wreck....

berlin liew, matthew pang, mok karl shern..... bloody hell what an experience yo.

i'll get the pics from berlin ASAP. sigh. ciao

the meanie within.

I recently found out that i have been cursing quite a bit.. more than my usual anyway which is rather odd since there is nothing major provoking me to do so. So why am i cursing again?


oh yes. SCHOOL.

what a horrid word... It has definitely consumed my life. I don't do anything that has nothing to do with school anymore. school work yea right i dont do it. school events. interschool competitions.
why do i do this to myself? oh yes yes testimonial. not.

And here it is once again... me contradicting myself. One day i really am going to go over board and shall be legally declared insane. are you sure you're not already declared so? OK. talking to oneself is not normal. when have i ever been normal?

EEP. stop. love my vain moments.

so anway today during break i was having typical break time chats with mirah, jackson and su may, suet sim and tiffany and....

najwa: our class has weird people
suet sim: really? how am i weird?
*tiffany comments something on that*
su may: najwa how are you weird?
najwa: actually i'm normal. By implying that my class is weird means that i am normal. so if i were to say that i am normal makes them weird.
jackson&mirah: say what?
najwa: you see. if i were to say that i think that everyone is weird makes me normal which means that i am the weird one for saying that everyone is weird.
su may: hey that actually makes sense.
amirah: uhh.. okay.

i enjoy random conversations. Don't you?

i don't think i have much to update on since my life is relatively dull. i only have school activities going on such as

• inter-school debate
• paramount competition ie [skit, salsa, debate, probably poetry recital]
• getting into cheer? pfft.

oh. havent included school work have i?

• homework
• projects
• essays [bm]
• stupid peka shit for physics.

But i must say that having that whack so called ssp reunion was not bad really... although the outcomes are "hillarious".

toodles.
m-curlee

panic stricken

oh damn. SEA FORENSICS is on thursday a.k.a tomorrow! or well i'm not counting today because its already 930 pm and how much can i do in 3 and a half hours.

SO why am i panicking? well let's see shall we?

• I still donn't have a mofoing script for solo acting.
• and as for impromptu i guess i'm doing okay but unfortunately i'm not consistent.
• I can't constantly reach 3 minutes. [what the fuck can you say about gates?!]

Oh man. scared scared. and i feel so mean. i was so bitchy to my parents in the car and all the way untill about 20 minutes ago. I know they want to help but I didnt get enough sleep nor am i in a good mood because i'm under alot of STRESS. AND I'M SCARED SHITLESS.

so anyway. I really have to apologise to my parents. *sigh* If only they knew.

URGH.

currently listening to - i won't dance by michael buble and jane monheit.

What is it?

Ever wonder what puppy love or infatuation really is? And love... How I actually despise this topic but am totally intrigued by it at the same time. There is so much I want.. no.. need to know about it.

I need to know if what I'm feeling is a

• developing crush
• potential crush
• nothing at all and can be totally ignored
• a "spur of the moment" thing
• something that can actually lead to love

and more! oh gosh.

I don't like being in this position because I now have to start contemplating and contradicting with myself... which trust me, is not good .

ANYWAY

enough of that. As of now I find that life is absolutely....appalling? I don't know. Can't find the right word for it but i suppose anything negative will do. Except for the fact that im showing signs of improvement for impromptu so thats positive.

oh well. I'm rambling on nonsensically.

toodles.

listening to - true colours by jill scott.

mental.

I don't really know how to describe my Valentine's Day. It was okay I guess. Thanks Berlin for the pretty flower and Arif for the rose and chocolate and Darryl for the teddy.

Honestly thanks guys. But I felt as though something was missing... I dont know what it is though but something was missing big time... and as the day progressed on it just didn't seem right. But hey I'm sure alot of girls had a nice day yesterday and were very happy.

Once again i shall go back to my previous post because I felt that way again after school. It's weird though, because you know that feeling that you get in your chest when you're really really really scared? yea. I got that. For no apparent reason now. call me CRAZY will you? Because I think i really am losing my mind.

oh gosh.

Emotions taking me over.

Pun unintended.

I went through various stages of emotions today. When I woke up I was just groggy but later on i got a tad frustrated because we waited for vishal. After that I felt nervous while listening to al the points for impromptu and what not. Later on, I just felt content.

When i went to ou i just felt happy that i could shop again. When I got home I went back into my usual trance of lazing on the couch. And all of a sudden later through the night at about 10-ish i started to feel uneasy. Me being me didnt really think much about it. Then i started thinking about what i did today and realised that i spent shitloads of money on... on just things that i regret [not really regret but...] Somehow it just isn't right...

At about an hour ago i decided that i should just sleep this insecurity off. But realised that my left eye felt stingy. So i went to get some optrex in my parents room. As I was doing so again the uneasy feeling was felt. Afew minutes after I was done.. thought i would finally turn in... but instead as soon as my head touched the pillow... I felt overwhelmed and before I knew it tears were streaming down my face.

Something is deeply bothering me but i have no idea what. I feel so worried. Something has gone horrifically wrong and i can feel it. It's affecting me in such a way that i can't control anything. And right now i don't know how i'm going to get through the night.

It's nearing 2 am now, and i know that i really need my sleep. But i just dont know what to do.

It. Is. So. Wrong. You may be asking 'what is' and all I can say is I have no idea.

feeling old. music?

Sometimes I find myself feeling old? Don't any of you get sick of people telling you how much more mature you are/look for your age? I know I do. And goodness knows i don't listen to much mainstream anymore. Although I do know what is new and stuff but somehow they don't quite appeal to me. Like songs on hitz.fm. I used to listen to it every single time when i got into the car and when I got my radio, it was the only station that was programmed.

But now, what is in mainstream is something i don't quite enjoy. And I'm listening to stuff like buble, ari hest, damien rice and alot of songs that aren't mainstream or were once. When i say were once meaning metallica, incubus, santana [although they still play his latest songs which I am very much thankful for] guns & roses and more of course.

See what i mean by feeling old? These peoples started performing 10-20 years ago... I listen to light and easy now. They play really nice songs.... and miss songs like "my happiness, don't look back in anger, bittersweet symphony" i dont know what you categorise that under but yea... those type of music I surely do miss.

Nowadays it makes me wonder. What in the world happened to good music? Music with lyrics that have meaning. Music with actual rhythm feeling and emotion. Music which you can enjoy and chill with.

But of course this is just my take on it. I know many people who can actually chill to rap and hip hop and whatever thats on mainstream and sung by lima puluh sen. [I swear he should never show his face. and NEVER EVER ACT!]

Anyway like i said. This is all me. No matter how many times vishal explains to me how he likes most of those songs i shall never understand. But I do like some of it though... those with more... rhythm? I'm not sure. But some of them just sound plain with the same background rhythm repeating itself again and again.

I guess it all comes down to how you listen to it. Vishal listens to music by listening to the lyrics first... whereas i listen more to the.... whatever-isn't-the-lyrics first and how that song makes me feel...

panic stricken.

I do things that I'm not supposed to and I don't do things that I'm supposed to. This is really scaring me. How've been acting lately and the things that I'm doing or aren't.... I have to stop but somehow somethings you just succumb to and you know so badly that it's so extremely wrong but you can't help it....

I need to get away.... Things aren't right... the real world is too scary.... the things that people do...... the things that I do. It just isn't right. It's not supposed to be this way. This cannot be happening.

I repent.
I repent.
I repent.

My world is spinning... everything is getting way too out of hand. I can't seem to control anything anymore... My actions, My thoughts, My mind....my emotions.

everything is going awry and it's scaring me. I'm deathly afraid of what is happening to me and what is going to happen to me. And somehow i don't think there is anything out there that can help me.

Advice would never work. Scoldings would just bounce off the facade that i have on. I'm too thick skinned for my own good. I want to change so badly... so so badly. I have no idea what is holding me back...

I have literally been split in two.

Today at school, mirah, matt, melia, vishal, tzern and i got engaged in a somewhat political conversation.

We started talking about bush and nuking middle-eastern countries.

Like i said earlier and i still stand by what i said, nuking countries to rid poverty is something i'm not against. but nuking a country just for the sake of nuking a country is unimaginable. Bush being the leader of America is just plain bullshit. i'm sorry it is.

anyway on a lighter note

i am still contemplating on whether to attend school tomorrow or not. It seems quite pointless to drag myself out of bed at an unreasonable hour and freeze myself in the shower just to arrive at school and do nothing much and wait the whole day till forensics/cheer/paramount deco and goodness i hate the fact that all three of those things are at the same time.

Sometimes 5 working/schooling days a week just doesn't seem enough. I suppose it's because we have 8 freaking hours of school which we spend doing nothing but listen to teachers drone on and on about their particular subject while we doodle and day-dream away and wait for when they actually give us work to do.

Anyway, some things seem to be quite odd nowadays. Everything is changing and I think i'm actually getting comfortable with it.

anyway to bath and rest my aching muscles i shall go. toodles.

[extra] if any of you know anybody in your class or form who are in the yellow house cheer team please inform them that if they continue to miss practices and not inquire about practices with quincee they would immediately be KICKED OUT.

righty-o. toodles.

noob

hello and yes i have decided to be a blogspot-er. =P actually i've had this account for quite a while but never really used it since alot of people used xanga then so now since alot of people are using this i've decided to actually activate it so that it's easier for me to read you blogspot-ers blogs [heh]

but of course i shall blog here if i feel that xanga has somewhat become too... how shall i put it... known? i guess?

anyway. good day to whoever reads this. toodles.